Navigating the Crossroads of Commitment: When to Hold On and When to Let Go in Marriage
By Darin Finch, MBA, CRC, and Cindy Finch, LCSW
After 26 years of a marriage that has seen both dazzling highs and daunting lows, we have faced the all-too-human question: "Is this forever?" While our love runs deep, the journey hasn't been without its moments of doubt—each of us pondering whether to continue on the shared path or forge new ones independently. This isn't just our story; it's a chapter many couples encounter, questioning whether their partnership, their greatest investment, warrants further emotional capital. With decades of shared history, we've learned valuable lessons on nurturing our bond and recognizing signs that might call for a change. Whether you're contemplating the future of your relationship or seeking ways to fortify your connection, our assessment offers insights that could guide your next steps. Join us as we explore the intricate dance of commitment and personal growth in marriage, helping you discern whether to deepen your roots together or courageously embark on new beginnings.
The “Should I Leave?” Assessment
Here's a checklist and assessment to help you determine whether it might be time to leave a relationship:
Persistent Unhappiness: You feel consistently unhappy, the relationship is the primary source of your distress AND you’ve repeatedly invited your partner into a process of change. They cannot read your mind - even if you think they can or should.
Lack of Trust: There is a fundamental lack of trust, either because of past breaches or ongoing issues that have not been resolved. Trust is a two-way street.
Abuse: Any form of abuse—physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal—is present. Abuse should never be tolerated. On-going abuse may be grounds to leave ASAP.
Values Mismatch: Your core values and life goals are vastly different, and compromises cannot be made without one party feeling constantly resentful or unfulfilled.
Different Life Paths: You want different things in life, and these desires are incompatible, whether it's regarding children, career moves, or lifestyle choices.
Neglect: One or both partners consistently neglect the other's needs, feelings, or the health of the relationship over long periods of time.
Contempt and Resentment: There's a persistent feeling of contempt or resentment, and you're unable to see the other person in a positive light.
Lack of Communication: Communication has broken down, and attempts to revive an honest and open dialogue have failed - even with outside help.
Isolation: You feel isolated from friends, family, or activities you once enjoyed because of the relationship.
Control Issues: One partner exerts control over the other, limiting their freedom, decisions, and independence.
Constant Conflict: Arguments are frequent, and they often devolve into personal attacks rather than constructive discussions.
No Growth or Support: The relationship is stifling your personal growth, or your partner does not support your dreams and aspirations. (Be cautious with this one).
Infidelity: There is ongoing infidelity, and trust cannot be rebuilt.
Lack of Intimacy: There is a lack of emotional and physical intimacy, and efforts to reconnect have been unsuccessful.
You've Already Left Mentally: You find yourself often imagining life without your partner or actively planning a future without them.
When considering the checklist above, it's important to acknowledge that relationships are complex and multifaceted, and not all items carry equal weight.
To facilitate a more structured approach, you might score each item on a scale of 0 to 3, where:
0 = Not applicable / No concern
1 = Mild concern
2 = Moderate concern
3 = Severe concern
Relationship Departure Score:
Persistent Unhappiness: __/3
Lack of Trust: __/3
Abuse: __/3
Values Mismatch: __/3
Different Life Paths: __/3
Neglect: __/3
Contempt and Resentment: __/3
Lack of Communication: __/3
Isolation: __/3
Control Issues: __/3
Constant Conflict: __/3
No Growth or Support: __/3
Infidelity: __/3
Lack of Intimacy: __/3
You've Already Left Mentally: __/3
Total Score: __/45
Your Score and Guidance:
(30-45) A higher total score indicates more severe concerns within the relationship. If your score is in the upper third of the scale this suggests serious issues that may necessitate leaving the relationship, especially if multiple items scored with a 3 involve abuse or other “deal-breakers.”
(15-29) If your score falls in the middle range (15-29), this may indicate significant problems that require immediate attention and potentially professional help. It might be necessary to evaluate whether the relationship is salvageable with therapy or relationship coaching and mutual commitment to change.
(O-14) A lower score (0-14) suggests fewer concerns, but even one item scored with a 3 (especially related to abuse) can be enough to consider leaving.
Remember, scores are indicative and not absolute. The decision to leave should also consider:
Safety: Is your physical and emotional well-being at risk?
Children: If children are involved, how does the relationship impact them?
Support System: Do you have a support system in place for leaving (friends, family, financial independence, professional help)?
Repeated Patterns: Are the issues repetitive and seemingly unresolvable despite efforts to change or are they one-offs?
Leaving a relationship, especially a long-term one, can be challenging and emotional. It's beneficial to seek support from a counselor, therapist, or coach who can provide personalized advice and help you navigate this process. If you are in danger or in an abusive relationship, it's crucial to reach out to local services and hotlines for immediate help.
How to Save Your Marriage Based on Your Relationship Departure Score
Score: 30-45
At this range, your relationship is showing severe signs of distress. It is crucial to act quickly to prevent further deterioration, which could lead to divorce or betrayal. Consider attending a private intensive weekend with supportive and skilled specialists. This can be an effective way to quickly assess and begin to address the core of your problems and to chart a path forward. Delay in addressing these issues may lead to significant financial and emotional costs, including:
High expenses related to divorce proceedings
Potential splitting of assets and impact on retirement plans
Negative effects on self-confidence and mental health
Changes in family dynamics and possible impacts on parenting roles
Long-term emotional and psychological effects on the entire family, including children
Increased work hours and stress to meet new financial obligations such as child support, spousal support and separate homes.
Score: 15-29
This middle range indicates that your relationship has considerable challenges that must be addressed. Couples counseling twice a week can create positive momentum and ensure that your relationship takes precedence over the busyness of life. Prompt action can prevent the escalation of these issues and the subsequent emotional and financial costs. Consider supplementing your couple’s work with at-home reading from books about healthy coupling and emotional maturity in a relationship. If your partner can’t or won’t read with you, go ahead and take the lead. If this relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll be positioned for success in the next one.
Score: 0-14
If you find yourself in this range, you still face challenges that could escalate without intervention. Act now to address these problems. Working with your own coach or therapist can help you "fix your side of the street," which in turn can accelerate the overall problem-solving process. Acknowledge that your partner may have legitimate grievances, just as you do. By improving your behavior and addressing your issues, you can lead by example and encourage your partner to do the same, paving the way for a healthier, more resilient relationship.
Note: In any range, proactive steps towards improving the relationship can make a significant difference. Whether it's intensive couple's therapy, regular counseling, or individual work, the key is to take action before the emotional and financial costs become higher. Always remember, the health of your relationship affects not just you and your partner, but the entire family
Benefits of a Healthy Relationship Vs. Negative Impacts of an Unhealthy Relationship
Still trying to decide if you want to save your relationship or work to make it better? Here's a side-by-side comparison chart that outlines the benefits of a healthy marriage versus the negative impacts of an unhealthy marriage:
Emotional Support: Having a partner to share life's joys and challenges.
Emotional Distress: Constant conflict can lead to stress and anxiety.
Financial Stability: The ability to pool resources and plan for the future together.
Financial Strain: Divorce and separation can be costly and diminish financial security.
Healthier Lifestyle: Married individuals often experience better physical health and longevity.
Health Risks: Chronic stress from an unhappy marriage can lead to health problems.
Improved Mental Health: Positive interactions and support can lead to greater overall happiness and reduced risk of depression.
Mental Health Decline: An unhealthy marriage can increase the risk of mental health issues.
Social Connectivity: Married couples often enjoy a broader social network and support system.
Isolation: Strained relationships can lead to social isolation and loneliness.
Shared Goals: Working together towards common goals can be fulfilling and lead to a sense of accomplishment.
Lost Individuality: Neglecting personal goals and ambitions can lead to a loss of self.
Better Stress Management: A supportive spouse can help buffer against life's stresses.
Stress Amplification: Unresolved marital conflicts can exacerbate everyday stressors.
Positive Environment for Children: Children tend to thrive in stable and loving homes.
Negative Modeling for Children: Children learn relationship dynamics from their parents, for better or worse.
Intimacy and Connection: Emotional and physical closeness can lead to a more satisfying and happy life.
Lack of Intimacy: This can lead to dissatisfaction and feelings of loneliness.
Personal Growth: Healthy relationships can foster personal development and self-improvement.
Stagnation: An unhealthy relationship can stifle growth and lead to resentment.
Security: Feeling safe and secure with someone who has your best interests at heart.
Insecurity: Uncertainty and fear can dominate an unhealthy relationship.
Shared Parenting: Co-parenting with a supportive spouse can make child-rearing more manageable and enjoyable.
Parenting Conflicts: Disagreements on child-rearing can lead to inconsistent parenting and stress on the children.
Life Satisfaction: Overall, a healthy marriage can contribute significantly to life satisfaction and well-being.
Life Dissatisfaction: A troubled marriage can be a source of profound unhappiness and regret.
What to Do Right Now to Save Your Relationship: When You’re Both On Board
If you want to save your marriage and you need to do something right away, here are four key steps to take as a couple:
Talk It Out - if you can.
Have a real and honest chat with your spouse about what’s worrying you and how much you want to make things better. If you can’t do this without fighting, ask a neutral 3rd party such as a therapist, pastor, or coach to sit in with you.
Really listen when they tell you their worries, without getting upset or cutting them off.
When you talk about your feelings, use phrases like "I feel" or "I think," so they know it’s about how you feel, not about blaming them.
Find a Marriage Helper:
Find a good counselor, therapist, or coach who knows about fixing marriages and start visiting them.
Make sure you go to the meetings and try the things they suggest at home, too.
Make Rules for Respect:
Sit down together and decide on some rules about how to treat each other nicely.
These rules should help both of you feel respected and taken care of, whether it’s about giving each other time to talk or how to handle money.
Commit to Making Things Better:
Look at what’s not working in your marriage and promise each other you’ll do your part to change it.
Remember, fixing things can take a while, so you have to be patient with each other while you work on it.
Doing these four things can really make a big difference in turning your marriage around and making it happy again. However, sometimes both partners are not willing to do their part.
What to Do Right Now to Save Your Relationship: When You’re The Only One
To address challenges in your relationship, even if your spouse isn't willing to work on it, focus on these three key areas:
Improve Yourself:
Reflect on your own behaviors and work on personal growth. This includes practicing self-care, seeking individual therapy for self-improvement, and focusing on your emotional and physical well-being.
Communicate Positively and Show Appreciation:
Maintain open and positive communication. Share your feelings using "I" statements and express appreciation for the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship, which can foster a more positive environment.
Seek Support and Set Boundaries:
Get emotional support from friends, family, or a support group and consider individual therapy to gain insights and strategies for handling your situation. Establish healthy boundaries for yourself to maintain your well-being within the relationship.
These steps aim to enhance your own life and possibly create a positive shift in your relationship dynamics, encouraging a healthier environment for both you and your spouse.
If we can be of help, don’t hesitate to reach out. We work every day with couples just like you.
Licensed therapist and author Cindy Finch is a keynote speaker specializing in resiliency and human connection. Her heartbeat message is that we can grow through what we go through. Learn more about Cindy.
PIVOT-certified relationship coach Darin Finch is an MBA, manager, mentor, and remover of obstacles for his company, employees, clients, family, and himself. Father to three, husband to one, Darin has 40 years experience overcoming hard things and helping others do the same. He's a team builder and relationship perfecter. Learn more about Darin.
