The No-Nonsense Guide to Strategic Co-Parenting: How to Parent Well After a Divorce…and why it matters
By Darin Finch, MBA, CRC & Cindy Finch, LCSW
This is a six-minute read.
Synopsis: "The No-Nonsense Guide to Strategic Co-Parenting" offers practical advice for divorced parents on how to effectively collaborate for their child's well-being, emphasizing communication, consistency, and a child-centric approach to overcoming challenges and fostering growth.”
Hey there! We're here to discuss something many folks go through but don't always chat about…co-parenting after splitting up.
You know, we meet all kinds of families in our line of work. And sure, families come in all shapes and sizes, and that's totally normal. But if we're being honest, the ones who end up having a tougher time aren't always the parents who've called it quits. It's often their kids, especially if those kids had to grow up in the middle of a lot of arguing and fighting.
Let's get down to the nitty-gritty of making co-parenting successful after splitting up. And let's get real – this stuff matters, big time.
Starting to co-parent after a breakup is like navigating a boat through a storm you didn't see coming. Seriously, this is important stuff. Nobody gets into a relationship thinking about ending it, let alone continuing to parent with their ex for the foreseeable future.
This next part of being a parent will test you like never before, pushing you to grow in ways you wouldn't believe, all for your kids' sake. It's tough, no lie, but the rewards are huge. We've been there ourselves and helped many families through the same thing. We're here to help you get a jump on this new chapter, making sure you and your kids come out strong on the other side. Now, let's dive into two very different worlds of co-parenting that we see every day in our work. Key words before we dive in: ‘You can be a slave or a tyrant or you can negotiate.’ -J. Peterson
Meet Mason and Zoe.
They've moved on from being a couple to being parents first and foremost, focusing their efforts on making life as good as possible for their 8 year old daughter, Ava. It wasn't easy. They've had their fair share of arguments and hurtful moments, but they've found a way to come together for Ava's sake. They joke about running "Ava Corp" together, treating their co-parenting like a joint business venture where the main goal is Ava's happiness and well-being.
This mindset has helped them turn a tough situation into a chance for personal growth and a better family life.
Ava's facing her own challenges, like adjusting to two homes, but Mason and Zoe are there for her. Mason reads books with her about other kids in similar situations, while Zoe uses her own childhood experiences to connect with Ava and keep Ava's routine stable across both homes. They even got Ava a basic, no frills phone so she can always reach out to either of them, no matter where she is. Ava's not too keen on talking to a counselor, but she's finding comfort in her friends, especially those who understand what she's going through. Her attentiveness in class has wobbled a bit, but both mom and dad reminded her this was normal for a kid going through so much change. Mason let her teacher know what was happening, and the school is working alongside them to support Ava at every turn.
Switching over to Liam and Nichole's story, it's a rougher ride.
They're always at odds, and their 11-year old twins, Mia and Myles, are constantly dodging bullets. The air's always heavy with their parents' fights and unfinished business, making every day feel tense, especially when holidays roll around, and they all have to be together.
No matter whose house they're at, Myles hides out in his room with his video games, and Mia loses herself on her phone or YouTube. It's their way of coping, but it's tough because they both end up hearing too much about their parent’s breakup. Mia’s feeling the stress and she tries to lighten the load by cooking dinner and making sure she and Myles are ready for school.
Mia was really feeling the pressure and her mom, Nichole thought talking to a therapist might help. But Liam's family isn't into the idea of therapy, putting a stop to that plan. Nichole wasn't having any of it, though. She got on the phone with every one of them until they agreed to therapy sessions, but only with a counselor from their church, not a licensed therapist.
Things got scarier when Mia started cutting herself as a way to deal with all the stress, first with paperclips and then with razors she found. Nichole stumbled upon the marks during a trip for school clothes. Mia clammed up when asked about it. With her digital hideaways blocked by Liam—her deep dives into TikTok that accidentally took her to OnlyFans, where she pretended to be older to get in—all now off-limits, and with Liam's new relationship potentially shaking things up even more, the road ahead looks even bumpier for them.
Mason and Zoe show that it's possible to rise above the hurt and work together for your child's sake, turning a difficult situation into something positive.
On the other hand, Liam and Nichole's struggles show the impact of letting bitterness and blame take over. It's a reminder that what parents do NOW has a huge impact on how their children see the world and handle their own challenges down the line. The research backs it up, showing that managing to co-parent effectively post-divorce is crucial for kids' well-being.
Co-parenting Dos
Treat co-parenting as a distinct, business-like relationship.
Make decisions with the child's best interests as the priority.
Keep the child out of adult conflicts and disagreements.
Communicate calmly, clearly, and consistently.
Maintain consistent rules, discipline, and schedules for the child - as much as possible between both homes.
Be willing to apologize and forgive for the sake of co-parenting.
Keep mutual respect at the forefront.
Strive to keep communication channels open for decisions.
New partners should take a backseat in all parenting decisions.
Co-parenting Don'ts
Don't ignore the other parent's perspective.
Avoid anger-driven reactions and behaviors.
Never withdraw affection or support from the child.
Don't be inflexible; be open to compromise.
Stay with necessary conflicts until a resolution is reached, (See quote above).
Taking the Leap Toward Post-Traumatic Growth
Your family’s journey doesn’t end with divorce—it merely diverges onto a different path. It’s a path that can be walked with resilience, where the adversities of yesterday become the wisdom of today, fostering growth and healing in both you and your child. Embrace this guide not just as a series of steps but as a beacon toward a future where your family, though different, is thriving.
To help you remember the key steps you’ll need to take, let's use "CO-PARENT" as the acrostic to encapsulate the essential elements of co-parenting from the guide:
Composure: Maintain emotional stability for your child’s benefit. You may be “right” about your (for example, you may think they’re a bad person, etc.), but you’re not being very “relational” by pointing this out or speaking poorly about them.
Openness: Communicate clearly and honestly to build trust both with your Ex and, more importantly, with your child. I suggest keeping things “Light and Polite” between all parents involved. Follow whatever guidelines you would if they were your co-worker at work.
Patience: Recognize that growth and adaptation to the new way of being (ex’s parenting together) takes time. Give your Ex time to suit up and show up to their new role.
Alignment: Make decisions together (whenever possible), presenting a united front. This cuts down on confusion and anxiety for your kids. Keep new step parents out of the middle of things whenever possible.
Resilience: Use challenges as opportunities for personal development. This is your time to Grow Through What You Go Through and set yourself up for success in future relationships. Who wants to repeat these old patterns with a new partner? Probably not you.
Empathy: Understand and consider your Ex’s needs AND your child’s feelings and needs. But don’t overdo it here. You are now in a business relationship with your Ex. It’s not your job to feel bad for them, solve their problems, or otherwise take care of them beyond what a court has ordered you to do.
Nurturance: Consistently provide support and love for your children, but also for yourself. This is a crucial time to take care of yourself and develop new ways to foster independence and maturity. Consider using Our Family Calendar Wizard to keep all appointments and shared responsibilities in one place. This is excellent self-care for YOU because it reduces the time and energy you spend chasing details with someone you’re no longer married to but must cooperate with.
Tenacity: Stay dedicated to constructive co-parenting, despite difficulties. What you focus on, you get more of. You'll get the payoff if you put your energy into persevering through these difficulties. What is the ACTUAL payoff, you ask? Healthy kids with a strong foundation of love and security rather than kids split apart by anxiety, confusion, and hurt.
If we can be of help, don’t hesitate to give us a call. We work every day with parents facing significant changes, just like you.
Licensed therapist and author Cindy Finch is a keynote speaker specializing in resiliency and human connection. Her heartbeat message is that we can grow through what we go through. Learn more about Cindy.
PIVOT-certified relationship coach Darin Finch is an MBA, manager, mentor, and remover of obstacles for his company, employees, clients, family, and himself. Father to three, husband to one, Darin has 40 years experience overcoming hard things and helping others do the same. He's a team builder and relationship perfecter. Learn more about Darin.
