Unmasking Addiction: A Therapist's Guide to Understanding Enablers and Addicts - sound familiar?
This weekend, as my phone lit up with an all-too-familiar emergency text, the reality of my dual life as a therapist and a survivor of addiction's reach was brought starkly home once again. A dear friend, leading a faith community on the East Coast, shared the heart-wrenching news of a co-parent in their circle who had succumbed to an overdose, leaving behind a young child and a community in mourning. These messages, though distressing, are not rare in my line of work. Just last month, I sat across from new clients devastated by the discovery of their adult son, dead from an overdose in his apartment. And not long before that, a family member was rushed to the ER for resuscitation from an accidental overdose.
These moments, though filled with sorrow, reinforce my commitment to my role as a therapist—a role informed deeply by my own past as an enabler to my first spouse caught in the throes of addiction.
In my experience, where I once stood unwittingly as a co-addict, to now guiding others through the maze of recovery, I've gained unique insights into the often-glamorized culture of substance use. The allure that draws individuals in can quickly spiral into a destructive cycle, difficult to break without understanding the underlying roles played by each individual involved.
Recovery
Today, more than ever, it’s essential for addicts and their loved ones to view their roles not as marks of disgrace but as indicators pointing toward the path of recovery. As someone who once leaned more toward enabling than understanding, I know how easy it can be to minimize the struggles of our loved ones. I used to believe, quite vocally, that addicts were solely responsible for their plight—that they chose to bring the substance to their lips, unlike cancer patients, who face a disease they didn't choose. Yet, my perspective shifted profoundly after years of working with families battling addiction and reading insights from Russell Brand in his book, "Recovery."
Brand writes, "The mentality and behavior of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help, they have no hope."
This helped me see addiction not as a series of bad choices but as a profound struggle against a compelling force that requires compassionate, structured intervention to overcome.
By confronting these harsh realities, together we can begin to unravel the cycles of addiction and enablement, paving a path toward healing and resilience. Join me as we explore these roles, the impact they have on our lives, and the steps we can take toward a future free from the grip of addiction.
Understanding the Dynamics: Addicts and Enablers
The dynamic duo of the addict and the enabler forms the core around which dysfunctional family systems often revolve. The addict, driven by an incessant need for their substance, engages in behaviors that range from denial to outright manipulation. Simultaneously, the enabler, often a partner, friend or close family member, covers up, makes excuses, and even sabotages recovery efforts in the guise of protecting the addict.
Decoding Addict Behavior
Addicts often exhibit behaviors that can be baffling and frustrating to those around them:
Denial and Manipulation: Refusing to acknowledge the severity of their condition while manipulating loved ones to maintain their addiction.
Withdrawal from Life: As the addiction deepens, addicts may withdraw from family, friends, and activities, sinking deeper into their dependency.
Defensiveness and Blaming: When confronted, addicts often become defensive or shift blame to others to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Russell Brand further observes, “It is not the drugs that make a drug addict, it is the need to escape reality.”
The Enabler's Quandary
Enablers, in their desire to keep the peace or out of fear, often engage in behaviors that do more harm than good:
Covering Up: Masking the addict's behavior from the world, often lying to protect the image of the family.
Avoiding Confrontation: Shying away from necessary confrontations that might push the addict towards recovery.
Taking Over Responsibilities: Doing everything for the addict, thus preventing them from feeling the full consequences of their actions.
A Path Forward: Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from these roles requires courage, understanding, and support. It involves recognizing the signs of dysfunction and taking proactive steps to alter the trajectory of addiction within the family. Brand reflects on the role of enablers and codependents in the lives of those they “help.” He says, “Codependency is not love, it is a transaction." This is a paraphrased sentiment based on his discussions around relationships in recovery, where he reflects on how relationships during addiction often function more as transactions to sustain the addiction, rather than healthy emotional connections. For me - this was true. I thought I loved my ex-spouse when in actuality, it was more of a “quid pro-quo” situation where we were mutually enabling each other.
Mutual Enabling
The idea of "mutual enabling" in the relationship between addicts and their enablers is essentially about both sides scratching an itch that keeps them stuck in harmful patterns. Here's a more down-to-earth look at how this dynamic usually plays out:
What the Addict Needs: The person struggling with addiction often wants to keep their habits without facing the real fallout. They depend on their enabler to cover for them—emotionally, financially, or by simply ignoring the behaviors linked to their addiction.
What the Enabler Needs: Enablers typically have their own deep-seated needs, like the need to be needed, to care for someone, or to feel in control. Helping the addict feeds these needs. It might come from a place of love, a fear of conflict, or even their own insecurities and a desire to be accepted.
How They Feed Off Each Other: In this setup, the addict might manipulate the enabler to keep the support coming, using promises of change or drawing on the enabler's emotions. Meanwhile, the enabler, by shielding the addict from the natural consequences of their actions (think unpaid bills, legal issues, or personal crises), makes sure the addict stays dependent.
Keeping the Cycle Going: This mutual dependency keeps the addiction alive. The addict sees no real reason to stop using, while the enabler feels validated by their 'important' role. It's a cycle that's tough to break without help from outside or a real wake-up call from within.
The Cost: Ultimately, this relationship doesn't foster growth or recovery; instead, it locks both individuals into a pattern that harms their well-being. They meet immediate needs, sure, but at a great cost to their long-term health and happiness.
Breaking free from this cycle of mutual enabling often requires outside help, like therapy or counseling, to dig into the underlying issues and encourage healthier ways of relating. It's about understanding these patterns and making a conscious effort to change them.
Additional Supportive Actions
Educate Yourself: Learn about alcoholism and its effects to understand better what your loved one is going through.
Seek Support for Yourself: Join support groups like Al-Anon to connect with others in similar situations and learn coping strategies.
Encourage Professional Help: Gently encourage your loved one to seek professional help, such as counseling or rehabilitation, and offer to support them in that process.
Take Care of Your Own Needs: Remember to prioritize your own health and well-being. You can't pour from an empty cup, and taking care of yourself is crucial for supporting others.
Visit www.lovetopivot.com to take YOUR next steps as a family member or friend of someone struggling with addiction.
By assessing each strategy and considering what adjustments are needed in your approach, you can provide meaningful support to your loved one without enabling their addiction.
For those navigating personal or another's addiction, Al-Anon offers support for friends and family of alcoholics.
If the turmoil of addiction in a loved one's life has left you seeking solace, take comfort in knowing that tools from Al-Anon and Pivot-informed therapy are available to guide you out of the shadows. Reclaim your life and embark on the path to recovery, a journey you need not face alone. Support and a helping hand await—just reach out. info@cindyfinch.com
-Cindy
PS: Here’s a list of my fave 12-step sayings that pack a punch.
For co-addicts (from Al-Anon)
“While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.”
“I must learn to give those I love the right to make their own mistakes and recognize them as theirs alone.”
“We have a right to expect more from life than mere survival.”
“Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are right, make us easy to live with.” Peter Marshall
“We are powerless over another’s alcoholism. We didn’t cause the disease. We can’t control it. And we can’t cure it.”
“Let go or be dragged.”
For alcoholics and addicts seeking recovery (from AA)
"Time to get out of the driver's seat and let God drive." - A humorous take on the concept of "Let go and let God."
"An addict alone is in bad company." - Highlights the importance of community and the danger of isolation in recovery.
"Don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens." - Encourages perseverance by suggesting that relief or success is just around the corner.
When all else fails, follow directions." - A humorous nudge to pay attention to the guidance of the program, especially when feeling lost.
Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised." - A witty way of reminding members of the rewards of staying sober.
The elevator is broken—use the Steps." - A fun reminder of the importance of working through the 12 Steps rather than looking for shortcuts.
My worst day sober is better than my best day using." - Emphasizes how life has improved since becoming sober, even on the tough days.
Stick with the winners." - Advice to surround oneself with people who are successfully navigating recovery, to ensure the best support network.
It works if you work it." - A classic reminder that the success of the program depends on one's active participation.
Keep coming back, it works!" - Encourages continued attendance and engagement with the group, stressing that persistence pays off.
