The Long Shadow of Growing Up with Alcoholism
Witnessing the decline of a loved one who has battled with long-term alcoholism is a profoundly unsettling experience. My mother-in-law was a case in point—a daily drinker whose routine began with vodka at 10am and didn't end until the final nightcap before sleep took over. As age and a fall at 91 sent her spiraling into the medical system, the challenges intensified. Although her fractured hip was treated, her decades-long dependency was not addressed, leading to severe paranoia, confusion, and anger as she unwillingly detoxed in front of our eyes - even under the watch of advanced medical professionals.
This distressing scenario (and hundreds of others) is all too familiar for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACAs). The shadow cast by a childhood overshadowed by alcoholism often stretches far into adulthood, profoundly influencing relationships, self-perception, and coping mechanisms. For ACAs, navigating this legacy requires understanding the deep-seated patterns formed in the silence of unspoken family struggles.
Even after the primary alcoholic and/or enabler (click here to read more about these roles) in the family has passed away, the intricate web of codependency and shame-based behaviors they've woven continues to impact the rest of the family.
This article aims to shed light on these persistent dynamics, offering insights into the enduring effects of growing up in an alcoholic family and suggesting paths toward healing and self-discovery.
Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACAs)
Growing up in the shadow of alcoholism sucks. Theres no other way to say it. This “shaow” informs nearly everything an adult child from an alcoholic family does, think and feels for the REST OF THEIR LIVES thus leading them to repeat cycles of dysfunction by either choosing partners with similar issues or becoming embroiled in addiction themselves.
Here's a breakdown of the specific behaviors and attitudes inherited from this turbulent foundation, and a checklist to help yoou navigate your current relatioships.
Characteristics of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
ACAs might display a variety of characteristics due to their upbringing in an environment affected by alcoholism. These can include:
Difficulty Trusting: Growing up in an unpredictable environment, they may find it hard to trust others, fearing betrayal or abandonment.
Fear of Abandonment: They might constantly fear being left by their partner, which can lead to clingy or distancing behaviors as a form of self-protection.
Control Issues: Having felt out of control in their childhood, they may seek to control their environment or relationships as adults.
Struggle with Intimacy: Emotional closeness might be challenging, as it requires vulnerability and trust, which can feel risky.
Perfectionism: They may strive for perfection as a way to feel worthy of love or to avoid criticism.
People-Pleasing: A tendency to prioritize others’ needs over their own to avoid conflict or to gain approval.
Difficulty Identifying Feelings: Growing up in a household where emotional expression was discouraged or ignored, they might struggle to identify or express their own emotions.
Roles of the Children in Alcoholic Families
Dealing with an untreated or relapsing alcoholic presents a host of challenges that ripple through the family, creating a complex web of emotional and behavioral responses.
As family members navigate this turbulent environment, they often unconsciously adopt specific roles, such as the Hero, the Scapegoat, the Lost Child, or the Mascot, in an effort to cope with the chaos and bring some sense of stability to their lives.
Understanding these roles can provide insights into how childhood experiences shape adult behavior and relationships.
1. The Hero or Golden Child
Characteristics:
Often one of the oldest children.
Appears responsible, successful, and capable.
Strives for perfection and achievement in school, sports, or other activities.
Takes on adult responsibilities from a young age.
The family points to this person as the reason they are a GREAT family.
Survival Mechanism:
The Hero tries to bring a sense of normalcy and achievement to the family. By excelling, they hope to distract from the chaos at home and earn positive attention for the family.
Adult Impact:
As adults, Heroes may struggle with perfectionism, high levels of stress, and difficulty letting go of control. They might also feel a strong need to succeed at all costs.
2. The Scapegoat
Characteristics:
Often acts out or behaves rebelliously.
May have trouble with the law, school, or substance abuse.
Is frequently blamed for family problems.
Expresses anger or frustration more openly than other family members.
Often known as “The Truth Teller” of the family because, “WTF, everyone thinks I’m a bad person anyhow, why not just be honest about how things really are in this family?”
Survival Mechanism:
The Scapegoat draws attention away from the family's core issues through their behavior. This role allows the family to project their problems onto the Scapegoat rather than address the dysfunction.
Adult Impact:
Scapegoats may struggle with authority figures and have a history of legal or academic problems. They might continue to engage in self-destructive behaviors but can also develop a strong sense of independence and resilience.
3. The Lost Child
Characteristics:
Quiet, withdrawn, and often overlooked.
Spends a lot of time alone, indulging in fantasy or solitary activities.
Avoids drawing attention to themselves.
Often one of the middle or younger children.
Survival Mechanism:
The Lost Child seeks to minimize their emotional needs and presence to avoid adding stress to an already strained family system. Their withdrawal provides a temporary escape from chaos.
Adult Impact:
As adults, Lost Children might have difficulty forming close relationships and often feel invisible or struggle to assert themselves. They may prefer solitude or have a rich inner life that they find hard to share with others.
4. The Mascot
Characteristics:
Often the youngest child.
Uses humor or charm to relieve family tension.
May be considered the "class clown" or peacemaker.
Tends to be likable and engaging but uses these traits to deflect deeper emotional issues.
Survival Mechanism:
The Mascot provides comic relief to distract from the pain and stress of the family's dysfunction. Their behavior can bring a momentary sense of joy or unity to the family, albeit superficially.
Adult Impact:
Mascots may struggle with taking life seriously as adults and can have difficulty dealing with conflict or emotional depth in relationships. They might rely heavily on humor to navigate difficult situations, sometimes to their detriment.
Each role serves as a way for children to cope with and make sense of their family dynamics. However, these roles can limit their emotional development and impact their adult lives, relationships, and self-perception. Now, let’s take a look at how this plays out in a partnership:
Checklist for ACA Behaviors in Marriage
Communication Challenges: Difficulty in expressing needs, feelings, or concerns openly and honestly.
Fear of Conflict: Avoiding disagreements to prevent potential abandonment or rejection, leading to unresolved issues.
Over-Responsibility: Taking on more than their fair share of responsibilities in the relationship or family to ensure stability.
Detachment: Withdrawing emotionally as a coping mechanism during stress or conflict.
Dependency or Codependency: Relying heavily on the partner for emotional support or validation, or engaging in co-dependent behaviors where the partner's needs are prioritized to an unhealthy degree.
Trust Issues: Being overly suspicious or jealous without a concrete reason, stemming from deep-seated trust issues.
Fear of Abandonment Playing Out: Actions are driven by a fear of abandonment, such as clinging too tightly or testing the partner's commitment.
Difficulty with Intimacy: Either shying away from emotional or physical intimacy or needing constant reassurance of love and commitment.
Seeking Control: Attempting to control aspects of the marriage or household to create a sense of security.
Emotional Regulation Issues: Experiencing extreme emotional reactions to relatively minor triggers, reflecting unresolved trauma from their childhood.
A Path Towards Healing
The 12 Steps of ACOA provide a healing path, helping ACAs recognize their past, find support, adopt healthier behaviors, and move beyond shame. This journey is about more than leaving behind the difficulties of their upbringing; it's about flourishing personally and in relationships.
Other ways to help:
Educate Yourself: Learn about alcoholism and its effects to understand better what your loved one is going through.
Seek Support for Yourself: Join support groups like Al-Anon to connect with others in similar situations and learn coping strategies.
Encourage Professional Help: Gently encourage your loved one to seek professional help, such as counseling or rehabilitation, and offer to support them in that process.
Take Care of Your Own Needs: Remember to prioritize your own health and well-being. You can't pour from an empty cup, and taking care of yourself is crucial for supporting others.
Need support while you do this? Let’s connect: info@cindyfinch.com : )
