I Wish They Could Get Cancer!
What is post-traumatic growth, and why do we need it?
Not long ago, I sat wondering when a couple I was working with would finally “get it?” They had come to our sessions week after week fighting, bickering, and blaming one another for the problems in their relationship. They avoided doing the assignments I gave them, and they acted, in general, as if they would rather not be married to the person sitting next to them.
Both in their early forties, they seemed to have everything that other clients wish they could have. Unfortunately, neither of them seemed to appreciate the other or what they’d worked so hard to create. Lost in their world of blame, they sat stalemated in their relationship. This is not unusual, especially for couples who have been married a while, and especially for couples who have prioritized their kids and careers over their partner; these two acted like warring dictators. They both said they loved the other one and wanted to be together, so why didn’t they see what was right in front of them?
It’s so odd, I thought, they are both lovely people, and they have such good kids. They have jobs that support a wonderful lifestyle, and they both have their health. Neither seemed to have early life trauma or abuse (which can derail an otherwise healthy relationship), and both had access to education and resources. We had explored tools, their backgrounds, communication, emotional intelligence, personal responsibility, relationship to self, personal values, forgiveness, shame, families of origin, expectations, and more. So why weren’t they able to empathize with the other, extend goodwill, pull together, let go of their resentments, and overcome their differences? They had both found their person and wanted to enjoy life together. Why couldn’t they prioritize the needs of the other over their own, and crawl out of their bunkers instead of just lobbing grenades?
AND THEN I HAD THIS THOUGHT…
I wish they could get cancer
OK, hold on. Hear me out.
OK, hold on.
Hear me out.
My personal experience of becoming a young adult cancer patient at 31, while pregnant, plunged my family (and especially my husband and I) into the off-road experience of a life-threatening illness. Though it rocked every inch of our internal and external worlds, it was also the best worst thing that could have happened to us. By the time we emerged from the boiling water of our trials, which consumed years of our lives, hundreds of thousands of dollars, took a terrible emotional toll on our whole family, and shook the bedrock of who we were, it also grew immense internal strength and a razor-sharp focus on what was important: Each other. After working through the many knots of our ordeal (which took a long time and a lot of support), we were able to experience a fascinating side-effect of trauma: Post Traumatic Growth.
And that growth, once rooted and strong, caused our marriage to flourish. Having faced a deadly opponent together and experienced the catalyst of calamity, we emerged more robust and better because of it. Our marriage was rocketed to levels of intimacy, connection, depth, and enjoyment we never knew existed. Proud and strong, we had fought the bear, so to speak, and won, and became warriors in our tribe. Thus, I wondered aloud if the couple in my office might benefit from some severe suffering and perhaps solve their problems along the way?
Growth After Trauma
The study of Post-traumatic Growth reveals that people can develop and grow in new and distinct ways after loss and pain. Research indicates that we have a unique ability to develop in these five critical areas after we undergo traumatic events:
Change our priorities in life
Develop warmer, more intimate relationships
Increase our sense of personal strength
Recognize new possibilities or paths for ourselves
Experience profound spiritual growth
The list above reflects what many, if not most, of my clients are seeking when they come in for therapy. If only I could give it to them without a traumatic or life-threatening event!
The Disruption of Trauma
One of the reasons growth after trauma happens is that the trauma acts as a disruptor to our core beliefs about ourselves and life. I wrote about this in chapter five of my book. It’s called Resetting Our Expectations. We all hold views at the core of ourselves; these are things we think should be this way or that way as we go through life. Some examples I use are: If I do good, I should receive good. And, Other people should act and think the way I do in this world.
As you can see, when one holds either of these beliefs (which many of us do) and then encounters contradictions to our views, it isn’t very pleasant. Ever had a heated political discussion with a friend from a different political party? If so, you know what I’m talking about.
It is pretty uncomfortable to have our most sacred beliefs challenged. Trauma, loss, betrayal, and catastrophe all act as disruptors or troublemakers for our life-scripts. But all of these things, as troubling as they are, are good for us. You see, when my core beliefs are shaken like a snow globe, only then can I truly see what I am made of. For instance, if I believe that those who do good should only receive good, imagine the disruptions I will experience when hard times fall! And fall, they will. To keep up with life then, I must grow and change to get by. Snowglobe-ing (spinning out in disbelief and dismay) after a loss is quite common. But stepping in to do the critical work of amending and updating our internal operating system (core beliefs) is the antidote once the dust has settled.
The Sensitive Period
When our view of the world gets shaken up after a traumatic loss or life event, we enter a time where we are more likely to grow our perspective and make changes. I call this a Sensitive Period in my book. Just like babies are most likely to learn to talk between 18 months and three years of age because their brains are ready to, so are we regarding personal development and maturity after trauma. Pain really does equal progress for us as humans. Our brains are prepared for growth and change through the loss, betrayal, calamities, and traumas we experience.
THE HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW IDENTIFIES FIVE SPECIFIC THINGS YOU MUST DO TO ENCOURAGE YOUR GROWTH AFTER A TRAUMATIC EVENT OR SERIES OF LOSSES.
Educate yourself: When people learn that tremendous growth after a terrible event is possible, they are more likely to experience it. Try to immerse yourself in articles, books, and stories about what is possible for a person after their life is disrupted. This will foster hope and possibility as you recover.
Practice emotion regulation: In my book, I dedicate a portion to the practice of identifying and working through your reactions to what has happened. I also thread the skills of mindfulness and self-soothing into the work. All of these practices can help you process your emotions, rather than get stuck in them.
Share (or disclose) what’s happened in your life: When we talk about our pain and struggles in the presence of someone who can be supportive and helpful, we lessen our burdens. Take your pain and talk about it with a group, a class, a leader, or a friend. "A burden shared is a burden halved." -T.A.Webb
Develop a new narrative about life: Begin to re-write your life script to reflect what has happened. I mentioned above that cancer, and all of the calamities that went along with it, was the best/worst thing that ever happened to me. Ultimately, I learned to see that facing life’s challenges equipped me to be the person I am today. Without them, I could not have contributed and helped the way I have been able to. Though it was Sad/Glad, the worst parts of my life have yielded the most profound growth and connected me to the things that matter the most.
Be of service: Tremendous healing happens when those who survive a terrible life event turn around to help those facing the same peril. Not only are the current strugglers greatly aided in their suffering, but the survivors can find meaning in their pain. And when we find meaning in our pain, it becomes easier to bear, understand, and grow from. Plus, we have so many lessons learned on the battlefield of life; others are desperate to know what we have to teach.
In my book, When Grief is Good, you can find a guide to all the aspects of developing Post-traumatic Growth. If you’re currently “fighting the bear” or are limping away from the ordeal scratched and gutted, but still alive, give me a call. These core-shaking events are meant to help, you not hurt you (too much). Ready to get on with your growth and take your next steps? Whether that’s to sit back for a while and heal your wounds, learn to fight better, or prioritize yourself and the person on the other side of the couch, I’m here for you. Ready, set, let’s GROW!
Yours,
Cindy
