The Relationship Revival Series: PART 2: Stop Waiting—Start Leading

If you're waiting for your partner to change so you can be happy, you're holding your joy hostage.

We hear it all the time: “If only they would ____ then I could finally be happy.”

But happiness is an inside job.

The second you tie your contentment to someone else's behavior, you step into the role of a victim. You hand over your power. You sit in the passenger seat of your own life.

Let’s be clear: accepting your partner doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, addiction, or disrespect. That stuff needs to be addressed with professionals.

But if what you’re dealing with is the normal disappointment of being married to an imperfect person—welcome to the club. The freedom you’re after starts when you stop trying to fix them and start working on you.

Relationship Killer #1: Being Emotionally Unavailable

Want to wreck your relationship? Be physically present but emotionally absent. Show up in body but not in soul. Be too busy, distracted, or addicted to notice what your partner is going through.

"The role of a partner is not just to protect and provide, but to be present, to participate, and to offer partnership."

💡 Try This: Ask your partner: “Do you feel I’m emotionally available to you? What’s one way I could be more present?”

Relationship Killer #2: Contempt

Contempt is the slow death of connection. It’s the eye roll, the passive-aggressive jab, the way you say, “Whatever.”

When someone says, “I love them, I just don’t like them,” contempt has already set in.

Shame-based people look perfect on the outside but carry venom inside their homes.

The antidote to contempt is curiosity, gratitude, and care. You don't have to agree, but you do have to respect.

“You cannot simultaneously look down on someone and love them well.”

💡 Try This: Spend 5 minutes a day naming things you appreciate about your partner—even if you're mad.

Relationship Killer #3: Criticism Over Connection

Criticism is like a slow leak in the tire of your relationship—it might not seem like a big deal at first, but left unchecked, it can lead to a total blowout. Imagine this:

Your partner forgets to take out the trash. A critical response sounds like, “You never do what you say you’re going to do. You’re so lazy.”

A curious response? “Hey, I noticed the trash didn’t get taken out—was something else on your mind?”

One erodes trust and closeness. The other opens the door for understanding.

Choose connection over correction. It eventually leads to a blowout. When you treat your partner like a project instead of a person, you erode their sense of safety.

Instead, try curiosity: “Help me understand why that matters to you.”

Replace “you always” with “I feel.” Replace “why can’t you just” with “what would help us move forward together?”

Coming up in Part 3: The essential part of yourself you’re ignoring—and why it’s wrecking your relationships.

Copyright Cindy Finch 2019