By Cindy Finch, LCSW

Let’s be honest—sometimes the hardest thing to accept isn’t a diagnosis, a loss, or even death.

It’s people.

People who don’t show up. People who hurt you and never apologize. People who gaslight, dismiss, disappoint. People who refuse to change.

The second part of Radical Acceptance is learning how to deal with them.

I’m talking about the parent who should’ve protected you, but didn’t. The sibling who always made it about themselves. The friend who vanished when things got hard. The spouse who checked out. The boss who overlooked you. The relative who never sees you clearly—and probably never will.

Radical Acceptance doesn’t ask you to like them. Or forgive them. Or invite them over for dinner. It asks you to stop insisting they be someone else.

And that? That’s where the freedom begins.

What It Looks Like in Real Life

Personally, I’ve had to learn how to accept people’s choices in my own life. Friends I loved dearly have ghosted me—no text, no call, no goodbye. Just gone. One day I was their “favorite person,” and the next… nothing. No explanation, no closure. It hurt. But I had to stop replaying it and accept that some people simply vanish when the road gets steep.

And harder still—I’ve had to accept the loss of my mother, even though she’s still alive. She’s struggled with PTSD and severe depression my whole life. Her trauma has shaped her in ways that turned people against each other and split our family open. When I tried to create healthy boundaries, she cut me off completely. No calls. No letters. No recognition. She tells others I’m dead to her.

She even told our family that I “killed” my dad—because I asked for fifteen minutes alone with him while he was on hospice. That time with him—where I sat as a daughter and a hospice-trained therapist—was sacred to me. But her fear and paranoia turned that moment into a weapon. And she never forgave me for it. It’s been 11 years. She still hasn’t.

Now she’s in a nursing home, dying. And still, there’s no closure. No recognition of the wound. No mending. And she has all of her faculties.

Radical Acceptance is the only way I’ve survived that kind of fracture. Not by pretending it’s okay. Not by saying it doesn’t matter. But by saying: This is real. This is what happened. And this is who she is.

That’s where the healing began.

Ending the Magical Thinking

Radical acceptance ends the exhausting game of magical thinking. The “One day, I’m sure they’ll get better, sober up, choose me, act nice, apologize, show up” fantasy.

You know how it goes—you hang in there, hoping. You give more. You try harder. But the truth is: they’re exactly who they’ve shown you to be. Their actions are their words.

What if you accepted that?

I once worked with a client who stayed married to a drunk, abusive, manipulative woman for more than 30 years. He coddled her, protected her, forgave her. She lied, stole, lashed out, and then said, “I’m done drinking.” But really, she was just drinking in hiding. When she finally went to rehab, she rewrote the entire narrative to make herself the victim—and blamed him to their friends. He kept holding onto the version of her he wished existed.

But she was already telling him who she was. Loudly. Repeatedly. And his peace only came when he believed her.

He finally divorced her—but it wasn’t easy. It was a bloody battle in court. She slandered him, told lies to anyone who would listen. She texted, called, and spread stories not just to their friends, but to neighbors, coworkers, and even their children and grandchildren. She weaponized her victimhood and vilified him every step of the way.

But once he broke free of the alcoholic family system, he began to breathe again. He rebuilt his life slowly, quietly. And what grew in that space—without lies, manipulation, and walking on eggshells—was peace. Joy. Relief. The life he had waited for began the moment he stopped waiting for her to become someone she would never be.

Let This Be Your Mirror

Who’s the person you keep waiting on? The one who leaves you spinning? The one you’re still hoping will say sorry, show up, or finally become who you needed them to be?

Picture them. Picture your last encounter. The moment that hurt—again.

Now ask yourself: What if this is who they are? What if they never change? What if you stopped waiting for a different version of them—and started living in reality?

You’re not weak for letting go. You’re strong for finally telling the truth: “This person cannot love me the way I need—and I will not keep handing them the map back to my heart.”

So many of us live in the fantasy version of the people we love. We keep hoping:

“One day my dad will finally call just to say he loves me.”
“Maybe this time she’ll ask how I’m doing.”
“He’ll grow. He’ll change. He’ll understand.”

But each time, we get the same version of them. And each time, we get hurt again.

Radical Acceptance asks a brutal but healing question:

“What if this is who they are?”

Now what?

Acting “As If” You Accept

Let’s say your dad has always been critical. Every visit leaves you drained. But you keep inviting him, hoping this time it’ll be different. And it never is.

Instead of setting yourself up for heartbreak, what if you accepted:

“My dad is who he is. And right now, he isn’t capable of being the father I need.”

From there, you can decide:

To limit visits.
To bring a support person when you go.
To change the subject when things get hurtful.
To skip Father’s Day brunch this year.

Radical Acceptance doesn’t mean you cut people off. It means you stop handing them the sharpest knives and acting surprised when you get cut.

The Shield of Acceptance

One of the biggest misunderstandings about acceptance and forgiveness is that they’re for them. But they’re not. They’re for you.

When your mind starts spinning on what they said, what they should’ve done, what they’ll probably do again—try this:

“I forgive. I release. I accept.”

Not because it’s fair. Not because it’s okay. But because you deserve peace.

When Hope Hurts More Than It Helps

If you’re thinking, But it’s my dad—I can’t just let go, here’s a truth I’ve learned as both a therapist and a daughter:

You can love someone and still protect yourself from them.

Ask yourself:

Would I want someone I love to spend time with someone who always hurts them?
What do I hope will happen if I keep exposing myself to this?
What’s the cost of staying in this fantasy?

You’re allowed to grieve what someone will never be. And you’re allowed to protect the parts of you they can’t handle well.

If They’ve Abused You

If the person in question has abused you—emotionally, physically, sexually—Radical Acceptance might mean stepping away completely.

You can work with a therapist, a safe mentor, or a support group to help you rebuild boundaries and reclaim your identity.

Hope says, Maybe they’ll change.
Healing says, Even if they don’t—I will.

What Acceptance Sounds Like

It sounds like:

“I don’t like this, but I accept it.”
“I’m not staying stuck in their story anymore.”
“They don’t get to decide my worth.”
“I still get to live a beautiful life.”

Forgiveness vs. Contact

Let go of the courtroom in your head. Close the case. Stop waiting for the apology, the realization, the redo.

You may never get what you deserved. But you can give yourself what you need now.

A soft boundary. A quiet truth. A step away. A step forward.

This is your life. Not theirs.

You are not obligated to keep dancing for someone who won’t look you in the eye.

You’re allowed to stop spinning in their orbit—and come home to yourself.

Radical Acceptance gives you that power.

Letting go of magical thinking isn’t heartless—it’s sacred. Because it gives your life back to you.

You don’t have to stay in their storm just because you love them.

You’re allowed to choose dry ground.

“They don’t have to change for you to heal.”

With you,
Cindy Finch, LCSW

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HARD THINGS AND HOW TO ACCEPT THEM |Part 2: DIFFICULT PEOPLE|