HARD THINGS AND HOW TO ACCEPT THEM |Part 2: DIFFICULT PEOPLE|
Do you have a person in your life that is hard to get along with? Has someone disappointed you or betrayed your trust? Or maybe a family member just can’t or won’t give you what you want and need from them.
Instead of holding a grudge about their lack of support, try implementing radical acceptance instead.
Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting things as they are, not as you would like them to be.
When your mind revisits the problem of the difficult person in your life and you start feeling angry about their behaviors or replaying scenarios where they have hurt you, it helps to shield yourself with acceptance and forgiveness so that you are not consumed by bitterness and resentment.
Notice here I did not say, “It helps to shield yourself with approval and love of what this person has done or is doing.” NO WAY!! To accept something does not mean you give your permission or you’re going to act passively about future hurts … No! It means you accept what has happened and have stopped insisting that it be different. What happened has actually happened.
When you radically accept the truth of the matter, it can actually shield you from further pain. By the way, forgiveness and acceptance are actually for you, not for them. These twin super-powers will make it possible for you to BEGIN TO HEAL and take your life back from what this person has done to you.
Try this, begin by using this acceptance mantra, “I forgive, I release, I accept.” When you can begin to say you forgive this person, you release them from having to be different than they are, and you accept the reality of what has happened, change and healing can begin to flow. While this isn’t the only step that’s needed, it’s a good start.
Another important part of radical acceptance is “acting as if.” When I radically accepted my cancer, I began to act as if I was going to die and live, both at the same time. Here’s how this can work for you:
Let’s say your dad is a difficult person to be around and you always wished he was nicer to you. You frequently go to visit him and invite him over because you’re hoping that one day you’ll be able to have a warm and loving relationship with your father, the way your friends do with their dads. But every time you get together he says things that hurt you or your family or he acts in ways that cause you emotional pain.
Once you accept that your dad is indeed difficult, has hurt your feelings for years and cannot (at least right now) be the father you feel he should have become, you can do some things differently to take care of yourself and heal from being hurt.
Radical acceptance helps us get into reality instead of fantasy about people, relationships and life. If your dad is mean to you, has hurt you for years and doesn’t seem (currently) capable of being the dad you want, accepting the reality of these facts can help you begin to heal. But by continuing to go over and see him, have him hurt you like he always does, then coming home and wondering why your dad does this to you is living in fantasy.
Instead, re-structure your time and boundaries with this relationship just like you would with other people who are not trustworthy. For instance, instead of seeing your dad so often, when you accept that he is hurtful and is not going to change (at least not right now) you may have a different mindset about spending time with him.
Ask yourself this:
Is it effective to spend time with people who hurt you?
What evidence do you have that you will not get hurt again by this person?
Does this person build you up or tear you down when they’re around?
Do you have more energy or less after seeing this person?
What do you hope to accomplish by seeing this hurtful person more frequently?
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At this point many readers will say something like, But this is my dad, I should spend time with him. It’s not right to stop seeing him. If this is you, ask yourself these questions:
Would you want your friends or family members to spend time with someone who hurts them?
If not, then, why should you?
What are the pros and cons of exposing yourself to hurtful people?
Are there other important people who won’t hurt you that you could spend time with?
While you don’t need to cut your dad off completely, once you accept that he is hurtful you can adjust your expectations of time spent together. Over time, and with limited access to your presence, your dad might change and become more loving and safe.
Once this happens, you can re-evaluate the relationship and decide on new parameters for your time with him. But for now, consider these practical options for spending time with your father:
Always have a safe, trusted person with you when you see your dad. This way you’re not shouldering the pain alone.
On average, limit the amount of time you spend with him. Consider fewer visits per month and shorter overall visits.
If certain things about the relationship are more hurtful than others (read:he is adamant about his political views and doesn’t mind criticizing yours), then steer clear of hot topics by changing the subject when these subjects come up.
One final thought, if your dad (or any family member) has abused you, consider taking a break from the relationship entirely. Work with a trusted therapist or mentor to re-establish your personal boundaries and emotional health and then decide what to do from there. While you have been a victim of someone else’s abuse, continuing to see them won’t bring you the needed healing. Though sometimes we still want to see them hoping they will change or apologize and that will make us well, typically, this is not the case. Your abuser does not have your healing.
Radical acceptance might be the start of your recovery.
Want to talk about this some more? Give me a call 507-319-9348 at my Orange County office. We can work together on your life worth living goals.
-Cindy Finch, LCSW
