When You’re Tired, Tender, and Done: Opposite Action for Real-Life Slumps.

By Cindy Finch, LCSW

Well hey there,

How are you holding up this week? Me? I’m somewhere between a leftover cinnamon roll and a cry I haven’t had yet. The stretch between Christmas and New Year’s always feels a little wobbly. You too?

This is the week I tend to lose steam. The glitter’s gone. The wrapping paper’s been recycled. I’ve eaten more sugar cookies than I care to admit and still somehow feel...meh. Kind of like a half-deflated balloon—floating, but not really going anywhere.

When I hit that internal slump, I grab one of my favorite DBT tools: Opposite Action.

It’s not a miracle fix. But it is a practical lifeline. Especially when you’re too tender to rally and too tired to retreat.

What Is Opposite Action?

Opposite Action is a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill for when an emotion is running the show—and it doesn’t actually fit the facts of the situation or isn’t helpful.

You can’t always change what you feel. But sometimes, you can shift it.

Here’s the basic idea: if the emotion isn’t justified or effective in that moment, do the opposite of what the emotion wants you to do.

Examples:

• Anger
  Urge = fight, attack, stonewall
  Opposite Action = soften, take a break, offer kindness

• Anxiety (Fear)
  Urge = avoid, run, control everything
  Opposite Action = approach, stay, let go of the outcome

• Sadness/Lethargy
  Urge = isolate, shut down, disappear into the couch
  Opposite Action = get moving, reach out, get fresh air, take a shower

BUT—a big asterisk here—some emotions do fit the facts. If your grief is real, your fear is warranted, your sadness is connected to true loss, don’t bypass it. Honor it. Feel it. Grieve it. Let yourself be fully human.

Like this year—I missed my dad. He passed a few years ago, and something about the holidays makes that ache sharper. Especially when I see my (now grown) kids laughing around the dinner table, and I know he would’ve loved to be there.

So I didn’t force myself to feel better. I curled up with a blanket, looked through old photos, and told stories about "Grandpa." I let the tears come. I gave my sadness space. That wasn’t a time for Opposite Action. That was a time to honor what was real.

But after the wave passed? When I found myself stuck in that limbo—tired, uninspired, vaguely discontent without a clear reason? That’s when Opposite Action walked back in.

My Opposite Action This Week

After the grief lifted, I still felt flat. So I took my own advice:

• I went to Huntington Dog Beach and let the salt air and sea spray slap my face awake.

• I drove up into the snowy mountains with my family.

• I told them I was tender, but said yes anyway.

• I drank cocoa. I wore cozy socks. I played.

• I went to bed early without apology.

And little by little, I felt more like me again. Not fixed. But less foggy.

The Secret Sauce: Parts Work

I also checked in with all the parts of myself. The little girl part. The moody teen. The worn-out mom. The grown woman trying to hold it all. I made room for all of them. I even said something kind to the part of me that didn’t want to do anything.

Because we don’t outgrow our history—we integrate it.

Developmental psychology and Schema Therapy both remind us: the younger versions of us still live inside us. When we honor and care for them, we become more whole. Like emotional Russian nesting dolls, they stack together—but none of them disappear.

So if you’re slumped on your couch this week or teetering between melancholy and cabin fever, try asking:

• Is this emotion justified? Does it fit the facts?

• If not, what would the opposite action look like?

• Can I move my body, reach out, get fresh air, say yes?

If the answer is yes, then friend—it’s time to do the opposite.

Even just a little.

Try This:

• Text one person you love but haven’t talked to in a while

• Walk around the block and breathe in one good, cold gulp of winter air

• Take a shower and put on clothes that make you feel like a Real Human™

Want More?

If you’re in California, we can meet for therapy. If you’re out of state, coaching is available too. I’d love to meet you where you are and help you get unstuck.

Download the free resource: The Reverse Bucket List
Grab the workbook: Make an Epic Comeback
Join our classes: Epic Comeback Wednesdays

What might Opposite Action look like for you this week?

With affection and one hot mug of cocoa,

Cindy Finch, LCSW
Therapist. Author. Coach. Human.
www.cindyfinch.com

Here are some examples:

Anger