How OPPOSITE ACTION Can Help You Feel Better
How are things with you? We're doing good over here ... well, mostly. I noticed myself in a bit of a slump this week.
Argh.
Is the post-Christmas and pre-new year's week a bit off for you too? Maybe I'm not the only one. I try to fight these "meh" times with a DBT skill called Opposite Action. You can read more about it here.
For those of us who don't want to geek out on emotion regulation skills by following links and studying up—here are the basics:
When you're ready to change an emotion or state of mind because the emotion is not justified or effective in the moment, you literally do "The Opposite" of what that emotion is urging you to do in order to shift it.
Here are some examples:
Anger
Urge = fight, attack, stonewall | Opposite Action = gently avoid, be a little nice, take a time out
Anxiety (Fear)
Urge = run away, isolate, avoid | Opposite Action = approach, do the feared thing over and over, do things to gain a sense of control over your fears
Sadness/Lethargy
Urge = avoid, isolate, lie down | Opposite Action = get up and get going, avoid avoiding, build mastery, engage in pleasant events.
Now, make sure you know that there ARE times when these emotions are COMPLETELY justified and must be experienced, processed and honored. This is when they fit the facts of the situation. But there are times when difficult emotions don't fit the facts, are out of place, over-the-top, or with us for no good reason. When you need to shift difficult emotions, try Opposite Action. And remember, there are many more emotions than just the three I mentioned here.
So, I was feeling some sadness and lethargic let-down this past week. The holidays are fun, but they can also be difficult for folks (me included) because of:
Painful memories from our childhood
Difficult family relationships
Missing certain friends or family members over the holidays
Financial difficulties
The short and dark days of winter
Life changes like death, divorce or a move that has left our season less than bright
In my case, I end up missing my dad a lot over the Christmas holiday. My dad was an instrumental part of my children's lives as they were growing up and was always a good grandpa. He passed away a few years ago and I still feel sad about the loss and miss him, especially at Christmas. All the more when my (now grown) kids and our family are all together.
Because I was dealing with sadness from losing my dad, it didn't make sense to act opposite my emotions. So instead, I snuggled up in a blanket on the couch, shared some memories of my dad with my family, looked through old pictures and remembered the good times of visiting my dad and seeing him in action as "Grandpa."
I grieved and expressed my gratefulness for the years we had with my dad. I also practiced taking care of all the "parts" of myself. And by "parts" I mean, the little girl part of me, the teen and my adult self as well.
Developmental psychology and Schema therapy teaches us that we are living in adult bodies with a whole lot of stories and memories wrapped up inside of us from our younger years. Healthy Adult living means we acknowledge, love and care for ALL parts of ourselves in order to be whole. I love Lori Jean Glass' book on this topic - you can read more here.
When I was ready to get up and around, I still felt quite slow, so I decided to use OPPOSITE ACTION. Being that I am an "outgoing introvert" I remembered not to push myself too much. But I did get myself to my favorite spot in California, the Huntington Dog Beach, and also up to the mountains with my family. I let everyone know I was a little fragile, but was still up for some fun with the fam ... especially if it involved hot cocoa and early to bed.
All in all, the opposite action to sadness was a success, and I was able to play and have fun during a tender time with those that I love.
What's your story this year? Any tender times happening at your home? If you'd like to do some deeper work around this, consider sending me an email: info@cindyfinch.com.
If you live in southern California, we can explore doing therapy together, I'D LOVE TO MEET YOU! Visit my website and then email me to set up an appointment
And if you live out of state, GREAT NEWS, we can now do COACHING together! This past year I left the agency I had worked at for several years and opened my own practice as a therapist AND as a PIVOT COACH. Read more about my coaching practice here and give me a call when you're ready to launch some changes in the New Year - 2020 - THE YEAR OF CLARITY!
With Affection,
Cindy
