Stop Folding His Underwear: How Over-Functioning Parents Keep Their Kids Stuck

By Cindy Finch, LCSW

“There’s nothing quite like parenting a grown child who needs you—and resents you—for everything you do.”

“There’s nothing cute about folding your 24-year-old’s underwear while they sleep till noon.”

If that stings a little, you might be one of the many exhausted, well-meaning parents keeping your adult child comfortable but stuck.

“Adulting”—once just a cheeky meme about paying bills or unclogging a drain—has become a full-blown crisis in therapy offices across the country. And the real story behind it? Parents are doing too much.

As a therapist, I meet loving, devoted parents who are quietly unraveling. Their 20-something kids live at home rent-free, work part-time (if at all), leave dirty dishes in the sink, and expect a concierge level of service—laundry, meals, emotional support, even wake-up calls. Some control the household mood. Some bring drugs into the house. And yet… these parents continue to overextend.

Why? Because they’re afraid. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid their child will sink. Afraid of guilt. Afraid of losing a relationship built around neediness instead of maturity.

But here’s the truth: every time you rescue your kid from discomfort, you rob them of a shot at self-respect.

Somewhere between helicopter parenting and hustle culture, we stopped teaching kids to struggle well. Instead, we confused caretaking with connection. But here’s the thing:

Love without limits creates children without launchpads.

What Happens When We Over-Function?

A 22-year-old dropped out of school. He plays 12 hours of video games a day. His friends? They’re graduating, finding jobs, falling in love. He’s lost his place in the peer pack. And it’s killing him inside.

Over-functioning keeps kids dependent and disconnected.

And it breaks them slowly.

Real happiness comes from competence. Self-respect comes from earning something hard, not being shielded from every challenge. When we prevent struggle, we prevent growth.

A Quick Gut Check: Are You Over-Functioning?

Ask yourself:

• Do they pay rent or contribute to household expenses?

• Do they do their own laundry, cook their meals, and clean up after themselves?

• Do they make their own appointments and manage their calendar?

• Do they work at least 30 hours a week or actively seek employment?

• Do they experience the consequences of drinking, drug use, or poor behavior?

• Do they pay for their own phone, car, and insurance?

• Do they clean shared spaces and maintain personal belongings?

• Do they show up for commitments—even when they’re tired or unmotivated?

If you answered “no” to several of these, you may be loving too much at your own expense.

But Isn’t This Just the New Normal?

Yes, the economy is hard. Yes, housing is expensive. Yes, they may need a little help. But a safety net is not supposed to become a hammock.

Helping your child launch doesn’t mean pushing them out cold—it means stopping the over-functioning so they can start building resilience.

Here’s the Good News:

This isn’t about shame. It’s about showing your child they’re capable—and giving them the chance to rise.

“If you don’t believe in their ability to handle life, why should they?”

Let them try. Let them fail. Let them come back stronger.

And if your home has turned into a hostage situation? Let’s fix it together.

Call my office in Irvine to set up a consultation. I’ll help you set strong, loving boundaries and give your child the launch tools they actually need.

You’ve done enough rescuing. Now let’s help them rise.

— Cindy Finch, LCSW