Why Parenting Feels Impossible Now—and How to Reclaim It
By Cindy Finch, LCSW
“I didn’t think parenting would break my heart. But it did.”
That’s what one mom whispered through tears in my office last week—and the room went still. It’s the quiet, shared truth of every parent whose child didn’t turn out the way they hoped. Not because of lack of love—but because the world changed and nobody gave us a map.
Whether your child is on drugs, flunked out of school, can’t keep a job, engages in high-risk behavior, avoids responsibility, is disconnected from family, or simply isn’t growing up—modern parenting can feel like a slow unraveling of the dream.
Add to that a whole new terrain: smartphones, social media, endless screens. Our kids are raised on Reddit, mentored by YouTube, and comforted by TikTok—while we stand on the sidelines, unsure how to help them connect with the real world or their own futures.
By age 10, most kids have smartphones. Unlike a decade ago when play happened outside and conversations happened in person, today’s connections are digital, fast-paced, and often unmonitored. They chat with strangers in video games, stream endless content, and live lives their parents can’t fully see.
No wonder parents feel angry, invisible, exhausted, and ineffective. Teens want money, phones, and freedom—but not advice, connection, or boundaries. Ask them who’s shaping their worldview, and you’ll hear: Reddit. TikTok. Google. Their peers. Not you.
Let’s start to unpack why parenting feels so hard by exploring what I call the “Faulty Beliefs of Modern Parenting.”These are the most common misconceptions I hear in my practice, and they keep families stuck in frustration and disconnection.
4 Faulty Beliefs That Cause Problems in Families
The belief that life, love, and family are transactional—“I’ve done this for you, so you should do that for me.”
The belief that ‘happiness’ is the goal of parenting.
The belief that the child is the problem when family issues arise.
The belief that raising kids the way we were raised will produce the same results.
Faulty Belief #1: "Life, Love, and Family Are Transactional"
Many parents grew up in a time when things felt more stable: the 1970s, 80s, and 90s. We trusted elected officials. College was affordable. Faith was widely practiced. We believed in the American Dream. We saw our parents as authorities and our schools as safe. If you followed the rules, things worked out. That was the deal.
But that world doesn’t exist anymore.
Today’s kids live in a culture shaped by mistrust, mass violence, climate anxiety, online bullying, and constant digital noise. They’re digital natives born into instability. They don’t want blind obedience—they want relevance, trust, and relationship.
What to Do Instead:
Shift from being unquestioned authorities to trusted guides. Use the DBT STOP Skill: Stop. Take a step back. Observe. Proceed mindfully.
Don’t just fight screen time—enter their world. Ask what they’re watching. Play the games they play. Understand the draw. Influence starts with connection.
Faulty Belief #2: "I Just Want My Child to Be Happy"
Of course you do. Every parent does. But happiness isn’t a life goal—it’s a side effect of meaning, purpose, and resilience.
If we chase happiness for our kids, we may accidentally rob them of the experiences that build grit: disappointment, effort, self-discovery, and persistence. Kids need to struggle. It teaches them who they are.
What to Do Instead:
Redefine success. Instead of asking, “Are you happy?” ask:
“What are you learning about yourself?”
“What was hard today, and how did you handle it?”
“What matters most to you right now?”
Help them build a life that’s real—not just pleasant.
Faulty Belief #3: "The Child Is the Problem"
When kids struggle, families often say, “What’s wrong with him?” But behavior is communication—and it’s rarely one-sided.
Family systems are just that: systems. If your teen is acting out, withdrawing, or shutting down, ask: What’s the system doing to maintain this pattern?
What to Do Instead:
Shift the focus from blame to understanding. A struggling child might be the family’s emotional pressure valve, carrying unspoken burdens or unmet needs.
Therapy can help decode these dynamics. The real question isn’t “What’s wrong with my kid?” It’s “What’s trying to heal in our system?”
Faulty Belief #4: "If I Raise Them Like I Was Raised, They’ll Be Fine"
This one is sneaky. It sounds reasonable—until you remember that the world your child is growing up in no longer resembles the one that shaped you.
What worked in 1985 won’t work in 2025. The world has changed. Childhood has changed. And parenting must evolve too.
What to Do Instead:
Get honest about what you learned from your own upbringing—and what needs to be unlearned. Adapt. Stay curious. Ask your kids what they need from you now, not what your parents gave you then.
Parenting isn’t about replicating the past. It’s about staying present and shaping the future—together.
Want to go deeper?
✅ Download my free worksheet: “5 Questions to Rebuild Connection With Your Teen.”
✅ Ready for the next step? I offer online and in-person family therapy. Call 507-319-9348.
Let’s rebuild parenting, together.
— Cindy Finch, LCSW
Clinical & Family Therapist
