THE IDENTITY CRISIS OF CANCER

Dear Cindy,

I feel stuck and lost after my cancer. Everything is messed up and I am different. I just feel off. What’s going on?

Dear Lost,

The mental after-effects of many types of cancer treatments are often referred to as chemo brain. However, there is a bigger picture here. While you describe feeling “off” and “different” I wonder if you may be experiencing the “identity crisis of cancer?”

Moving through cancer is much different than moving past cancer. For one thing the “moving past” is much lonelier than the “moving through.” All our cheerleaders seem to pull away or drift apart from us once we have finished treatments. The other thing is that the person who went into cancer is not the same as the one who came out. Many cancer survivors have an “identity crisis” as they move into survivorship. Their disease (and fighting it) has identified them for so long that they have lost touch with who they use to be and more importantly, they don’t know who they are now. So much has changed.

In many cases, a cancer survivor herself has been altered at a core level by going through the traumatic experience of a life-threatening illness.  Not only has she endured massive body and image changes (breasts, hair, weight, limbs, reproductive ability, etc.) but her role in the family, at work, socially and even spiritually may have also been altered. And while our bodies begin to heal and move on once treatments are over, our minds might still be in the foxhole of sickness.

To find out who you are NOW it might be helpful to develop a new vocabulary for yourself. For instance, many survivors (in the throes of illness) refer to themselves as a “cancer patient” or a “victim of cancer” when they were sick. Neither of these definitions will serve you well as you move away from the experience of illness. It’s time to re-define yourself.

In her beautiful essay, “I Am Not My Nipples,” Kayla Redig, a young breast cancer survivor describes how she took her life back from cancer and began to define herself by something other than her illness or body parts. Here’s how you can start that process for yourself.

First, let’s develop a “Strong Me” list. Begin by listing all of the things you are proud of about yourself. Surviving cancer can be one of them but get more specific. If you were able to drink Barium more quickly than others waiting for a scan or entertain other patients in the chemo lounge then name those strengths. Let me help you get started. Here’s the beginning of your “Strong Me” list:

1. Efficient

2. Skilled

3. Supportive

4. Funny

If you offered warm hugs to your kids or parents while they were sad about your illness or gave money to a family you met in the hospital that was struggling to pay their bills, then I want you to add these virtues to your list:

I am…

1. Generous

2. Encouraging

3. Helpful

And, if you can’t think of any good things about yourself, ask two of your most trusted friends or relatives to name the three things they like most about you. Even if you disagree with them, write down what they have to say.

It might look like this:

1. You always make me smile

2. You are a good dancer

3. You always organize our family get-togethers

4. You’re level-headed when it comes to money

Next, name the things you do that have meaning to you or other people around you. For instance, if you are an attorney, a teacher, a dancer, a mother or a physician write down what need this fulfills in someone else’s life. For instance, an attorney might write down that she brings value to others others by being a:

1. Helper

2. Protector

3. Leader

4. Seeker of justice

In addition, being an attorney also represents that you were able to

1. Study well

2. Pass tests

3. Work good under pressure

4. Tackle big tasks

A mother of children might define the value of her important role like this. “I bring value to others when I…”

1. Care

2. Soothe

3. Support

4. Teach

Likewise, her role as a mother means that she was able to:

1. Develop a high tolerance for pain

2. Operate effectively on very little rest

3. Be flexible at all times

4. Take on new jobs without much lead time

Take a look at the new you when we compile all of the STRONG ME statements together like this:

“I am not my cancer! Instead, I am an encouraging, helpful, generous person who makes people smile and keeps a level head with money. People enjoy me because I am funny and like to bring families together. I love justice and I am good at tackling big tasks. Not only can I operate on very little sleep but I can also be very flexible and take on new jobs with very little lead-time. Oh…and one more thing. I survived cancer and made it my Bitch. : )) Apparently I can do VERY HARD THINGS!! Need help with anything else? Just give me a call. I’m the girl for your job!”

You’re on Your Way Beloved!

Warmly,

Cindy

If you have questions about how to take your life back from cancer and live fully into the future with cancer in your past, please write me directly at cinfinch@gmail.com I’ll be looking forward to your letters!

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